Expert Advice
Wish list or hit list? Is your love quest realistic?
By Olga Sheean
Wanted: handsome, tanned, wealthy, baggage-free, yacht-owning, single 6-foot male who can read my mind, respect my hormones, support my retail therapy, do things my way, listen attentively and doesn't sweat, snore, burp, fart, guffaw or wear white socks with sandals.
Not too much to ask, right? You know what you want and won't settle for anything less. After all, you've spent years sorting through the dross; if potential candidates don't make the grade, why waste your time?
Yet holding out for Mr Perfect can be a lonely endeavour – and we can miss out on some important experiences. We can also miss the whole point of relationships, which is to discover, heal and empower ourselves. We're not supposed to go into them already perfect or use them to have our needs met; we're meant to actively engage and relate so that we can heal old wounds, identify and resolve our personal issues (which must be triggered in order to be addressed), communicate more authentically, and explore deeper intimacy, love, self-expression and fulfillment. This doesn't come in a ready-made package; it's something we must actively, consciously create – by applying some of the key principles governing all relationships.
Principle #1 – Be what you want your partner to be
If you want a partner who accepts, respects and trusts you, you must first ensure that healthy acceptance, respect and trust are integral parts of you. This is not just a state of mind; it's about actively demonstrating these qualities for self and others in practical ways. Do you say no to compromises or choices that don't feel right? Do you have healthy boundaries when it comes to being manipulated, taken for granted or abused? Can you respond calmly and confidently when challenged or criticized? Are you always guided by your intuition? Can you be fully yourself with others (or do you hide certain parts, for fear of rejection)? Can you respect and acknowledge others even if you don't agree with them? Do you connect with others in meaningful, heartfelt ways? What we demonstrate in our everyday lives and interactions determines the kind of partner we attract. (And we always attract partners with the same issues as us.) So it's not about what's out there; it's about what's going on inside you.
Principle #2 – Every relationship has a purpose
No relationship is ever random, accidental or a mistake. It may seem that way, when you think of former relationships, but that's only because you didn't know what was really going on. Every relationship is designed to put us in touch with our fears, self-doubts, insecurities and negative beliefs so that we can address them and become more complete and fulfilled as a result. Our biggest issues are often deeply buried and can only be brought to the surface by emotionally charged dynamics (often conveniently presented in the form of a maddeningly imperfect man). Low self-worth attracts abuse, manipulation, criticism or whatever else is required to trigger this issue so that we can ultimately feel the pain of self-rejection and say no to it. Relationships are not about enduring the bits that don't work; they're about understanding the message behind the challenge and bringing it home to self. Take a look at your past relationships and try to identify some key negative elements. Was there abuse, rejection, disrespect, manipulation, dishonesty, indifference, disconnection or any other painful, unloving element? If so, identify their positive counterparts. (Manipulation becomes acceptance; indifference becomes heartfelt connection; and dishonesty becomes the deeper truth.) These are your key relationship issues and what you stand to gain (in self and partner) if you actively embody them.
Principle #3 – Love is in the details
When we're looking for a partner, we tend to focus on the big picture. But relationships evolve one sentence, one look or one hug at a time. Every word and action is either reinforcing some negative pattern or breaking free of it. When we focus on how we relate and if we actively engage with others in meaningful ways – whether it's the boss or the postie – we upgrade our self-worth and open the door to truly loving relationships.
Get the message, get the upgrade and you won't care whether he has a yacht or not.
Olga Sheean is a relationship/personal empowerment coach and author of Fit for Love – find your self and your perfect mate. See www.olgasheean.com
DATING STYLE 101
By Giovanni Amenta
Pink and Grey Image Consulting
WOMEN - in order to know what to wear it's important to delve into the male mind. Since the beginning of time man has been the hunter, the protector and the muscle. Knowing this it only makes sense that men are attracted to a woman that makes him feel like a manly man. So to show up in hunting vest and cargo pants may not be your best move. You want to look as feminine and approachable as possible with just the right mix of virgin and whore.
Some examples of feminine and approachable clothes are draping fabrics, cottons and soft to the touch fabrics such as angora or cashmere. Details such as ruffles or bows are also very feminine. Approachable colors are pink, any pastel color, Aqua blue, purple (keep in mind purple is a very sexual color as well, wink) Strong colors like bright red or yellow can overpower your date and be a bit intimidating. However, remember the cardinal rule "any color is a bad color if it looks bad on you!"
As for how much skin to show, well you want to be alluring without being slutty. A good rule of thumb is to only show one area of skin and choose wisely. If you have a great chest wear a low cut V neck (not too low ladies. don't give away the farm); and if you show your cleavage than make sure everything else is covered up. Or if you have great legs show them off and make sure you are wearing a turtleneck or long sleeved shirt that covers up our upper body.
Make sure that you also don't overdress or under dress for the occasion. If you overdress you will stand out like a prom queen at McDonalds and if you under dress your date will assume you didn't really care enough to put any effort into your meeting. This situation calls for dressy casual. A nice wrap dress, or pants with a nice blouse or wrap top, a dark wash denim and ruffled top with heels. Basically think what do the girls on Sex in The City wear for their infamous lunches?
Finally and this should go without saying make sure that your clothes fit you well, they should contour your figure and lightly skim your silhouette. If it's too tight you will look like a stuffed sausage with muffin tops for dessert and if it's too loose you will look boxy not foxy!
As for makeup don't go too heavy since you will be sitting very close to your date and they will see if you have caked on the foundation and go for a fresh and feminine look don't do smoky eyes or anything too dramatic. To top it all off make sure you wear your hair down, men love hair! If you do wear it up make sure that if the date is going well at some point you take it down and shake it out, it will drive him INSANE!
Now for the MEN. Men have a few less choices than women and there are some steadfast rules. You want to look clean, well manicured yet masculine. Whether they admit it or not women want a protector, a man who will make them feel like a lady. As trendy as being metro sexual is you do not want your date to think you are gay...well unless you are a gay man and your date is with a man but that's a whole different article. A pink scarf and spandex denim with snake skin Prada shoes could be a bit of a red flag for your lady friend.
You want to look masculine and touchable. A nice pair of straight leg or boot cut jeans with a casual blazer, vest or cardigan over a well fitting T shirt is an ideal first date outfit. A collared, button up dress shirt that has been tailored to fit you well (ask for darts in the back to take out the bulk in the midsection) tucked into dress pants or khakis are also a great option. Remember to choose more casual fabrics such as cotton, you do not want to look too dressy and you still want to look like you care.
Hygiene is HUGE for women; most women want a man that looks like he cleans on a regular basis. Check to make sure that your teeth are brushed and flossed, your breath is fresh, your nails and fingers are clean and free of car oil or dirt, you are wearing deodorant, and that your hair has been shampooed and conditioned, its not one or the other here guys. Be sure to shave or if you are going for the stubble look shave the neck and trim down the stubble. Finally if you want to put a spritz of fragrance or small pat of aftershave make sure that it is exactly that 1 spritz or a SMALL pat of aftershave. Nothing turns a girl off more than a man who smells like a high school dance. The person at the table next to you will appreciate it as well.
Perhaps the most important thing to wear on your date for both men and women is confidence! That's right, nothing is sexier than self-confidence. They are lucky to be on a date with you and if they can't see that then they are soooo unworthy. Remember you never have a second chance to make a first impression, so make it a good one! Either way if your date is a total hottie then thank goodness you look your best and if they are a dreary bore wouldn't it be a blow to the ego if they rejected you because of how you were dressed!!
Giovanni Amenta is the principal of Pink and Grey style & image consulting. For more info, see www.pinkandgrey.ca.
Previous articles:
Check your messages ...and upgrade your life - By Olga Sheean (PDF)
Relationship recipe - By Olga Sheean (PDF)
The power of no - By Olga Sheean (PDF)
How to avoid Disaster: Dating 101 - By Kate Elliott (PDF)
Technology and Dating: "Progress" Isn't Always a Good Thing - By Kate Elliott (PDF)
Embrace the Single Summer Life! - By Kate Elliott (PDF)