Expert Advice
Win-win dating - Mastering the deeper dynamics
By Olga Sheean
Does the mere thought of dating make you queasy? Putting yourself out there, making conversation and figuring out whether the other person is trustworthy, solvent or maybe just physically/emotionally/legally available, can be a draining process—one that you may not want to even contemplate unless the candidate sounds ideal from the start.
But screening your dates won't necessarily do the trick. Despite all your efforts to find someone whose profile 'ticks all the right boxes', the next person you arrange to meet for coffee is going to trigger any unresolved issues lurking in your subconscious. Old patterns from your own conditioning are going to come up as soon as you start dating again—and it will all seem horribly familiar. The key to getting out of that loop is to figure out what those issues are and what their purpose is. Then dating becomes a whole new ballgame.
How do you do that? Ironically, your date will give you all the clues you need. If he is self-absorbed and doesn't seem interested in you, he's emotional insecurity and needs to impress; if she is critical of you or others, she has low self-worth and a need to blame others; if he seems angry or resentful about an ex-partner, there's a lack of self-love, resulting in manipulation and power struggles. But all of these scenarios are caused by a lack of self-acceptance and self-awareness. And, in all cases, you may think it's all about the other person—and make a run for the door.
If you do, you'll simply encounter the same annoying patterns further down the road. Anyone who triggers you emotionally has the same issues as you, so use your dates wisely—to figure out what needs to be addressed in you so you can 'upgrade' your love life. No date is ever a mistake. Each one will present you with exactly what you need in order to address your issues. And the most fundamental issue for everyone is a lack of self-acceptance.
Our need for acceptance—in the form of love, money or recognition—distorts our personality, our self-expression and our sense of self. We spend our lives trying to obtain it, while subconsciously believing we don't deserve it. This sets us up for a lifetime of compromises, reactivity, judgements, projections and disappointments. What we don't realize is that demonstrating strong self-acceptance is the key to making our relationships work.
The trick is to start giving yourself the very quality you're not getting from your date. For example, if your date criticizes you, say something positive that makes you feel good about yourself; don't counter-attack, defend, justify or apologize, as this demonstrates low self-worth. If he talks only about himself, acknowledge him and ask (without sarcasm) if he's interested in knowing anything about you. (If not, thank him for his time and walk away. Resist the temptation to say (or think) “F you, pal”, which also demonstrates low self-worth.) If she is reticent or cagey, unwilling to divulge anything meaningful about herself, look her right in the eye and share something deeply heartfelt and authentic. Remember: the goal here is not to get the other person to accept, respect or connect with you; it's to get you to practise accepting, respecting and connecting with yourself so that you start to attract partners with equally healthy self-worth and emotional integrity.
So think of dating as a way of embodying all the qualities you want in your relationship. Be you, not a reaction to the other person. Express your feelings honestly and be aware of how that feels. Say no to whatever doesn't feel right for you, and accept and validate the other person also. Don't try to impress them, if you find them attractive, or judge them, if you feel they're not what you want. They're there for you to discover and explore your feelings, values and boundaries, by relating as mindfully and honestly as you can.
Successful dating is not about trying to find the partner who'll give you what you've been missing; it's about making yourself emotionally complete so you attract a partner who's similarly whole and perfectly complements all that you are.
Olga Sheean is a relationship/personal empowerment coach and the author of Fit for Love—find your self and your perfect mate. / www.olgasheean.com
Blissful pairing
By Mark Ainley
Love at first sight
There are usually two things that get someone to call a Feng Shui consultant: Money and Love. If "Money can’t buy me love," as the Beatles sang, a little focus can help you warm up to manifesting it for yourself. As Feng Shui operates largely on the ‘what you see is what you get’ principle, a closer look at your surroundings can help reveal subtexts about your hidden views of relationships and how you can smooth away any wrinkles.
"And a one, and a two..."
The most common theme I come across when consulting with singles who are looking to find a partner is the issue of singularity in artwork and possessions. While the art world is rich with images of women sitting or standing alone, having these front and center in your space starts to create a mindset that breeds aloneness. If you’re looking for partnership, it’s time to shift the focus from solitary singles to caressing couples. If you like art of single women, a book or album will help you appreciate the art without having it become the theme of your life. Images showing pairs of objects work just as well – pairs of flowers, apples, or other objects send neurological signals to the brain that gets it thinking about harmonious pairs.
The same goes for objects in your space. If you have random individual objects around your home, your surroundings speak to singularity. Arranging matching objects in pairs will gracefully introduce you to the concept of sharing space with an ideal match. Place pairs of spheres, flowers, candles, or other objects in close proximity to one another. Pay particular attention to the far right hand corner of each room (opposite side of the room from the door when looking in, on the right side). Ensure that this area features no single objects or odd numbers.
Rest your head
The position of your bed speaks volumes about relationships. All too often, people have the bed placed with one side up against a wall, due to architectural constraints or just a lack of awareness of the impact of such an arrangement. This means that one person in the relationship (if there is a relationship) will feel ‘up against a wall’. I have heard couples raise their voices about the sacrifice that one person has to make by sleeping next to the wall – those often-unspoken resentments do drain energy away from existing relationships, and this layout inhibits a potential partner from feeling fully welcomed and embraced. The bed should ideally be placed with equal space on each side so that each person is free to be independent and yet come together in a shared space.
Beware the "one night stand"
To create stability in a relationship, it is ideal to have matching end tables on either side of the bed to create a support structure for each person. One nightstand veritably does translate into a ‘one-night stand’ – there is not the place for another person to feel welcome enough to become a regular fixture. The same goes for lamps: matching lamps on these end tables are a must in order to create a shared viewpoint. The practical side of this is that if one partner wants to stay up reading, they don’t have to reach over the sleeping partner to turn off the one light in the room; this simple set-up creates a level of equality and independence that supports strong relationships.
Heating things up
Colour is an important part of creating the warmth required for a relationship. Blue and other dark tones in the bedroom create too cool a mood for love to blossom fully – they can keep one feeling ‘blue’. For things to heat up, you have to crank up the colour range: red tones such as shades of red, pink, and orange are essential. Not much cools things off faster than blue sheets! Create a warm glow in the bedroom and you never know what you might manifest to keep that glow alive.
Wrapping it up
With warm colours, a balanced bedroom, and positive imagery of coupling in your environment, you can shift the balance of your consciousness from singularity to blissful pairing. Don’t be overwhelmed if there are lots of changes to be made – one step at a time will get you to your destination. Amore!
Mark Ainley is a contemporary Feng Shui consultant based in Vancouver. A former resident of Tokyo, he consults internationally for home and business owners.
www.markainley.com
Previous articles:
Wish list or hit list? Is your love quest realistic? - By Olga Sheean (PDF)
Dating Style 101 - By Giovanni Amenta / Pink and Grey Image Consulting (PDF)
Check your messages ...and upgrade your life - By Olga Sheean (PDF)
Relationship recipe - By Olga Sheean (PDF)
The power of no - By Olga Sheean (PDF)
How to avoid Disaster: Dating 101 - By Kate Elliott (PDF)
Technology and Dating: "Progress" Isn't Always a Good Thing - By Kate Elliott (PDF)
Embrace the Single Summer Life! - By Kate Elliott (PDF)